I’ve now read the first 253 pages of The Brothers Karamazov and I’m prepared to answer the most pressing question the book has to offer.
A basic overview of the brothers, excluding Smerdyakov because I don’t like him:
Dmitri Karamazov (age 28): in his flop era, party enthusiast, prone to fits of passion
Ivan Karamazov (age 24): currently undergoing a crisis of faith
Alyosha Karamazov (age 20): just wants everyone to have a good time
The easiest question to answer is who I would marry. It’s clearly Alyosha, because he’s the only one who has his shit even slightly together, plus I believe he would be easy to get along with. Although he’s not the most interesting character in this story, Dostoevsky actually planned to write a sequel that centered on Alyosha as an adult. Tragically, he died and we have no idea what the sequel might have been about.
The next two are more difficult. Let’s start with fucking. On one hand, we know that Dmitri has a lot of experience. But he’s also fickle and might end the evening reading poetry and crying, which is frankly embarrassing. Plus, he strikes me as the kind of guy who wouldn’t really care if the person he was with had that good of a time. On the other hand, Ivan would probably try to argue with you about the existence of God or the merits of socialism as a kind of foreplay, which I’m not really into.
And then there’s killing. If I were to kill either of them it would probably drive a wedge between me and Alyosha, because he’s against murder and he loves his brothers regardless of their faults. But this isn’t the part where I cop out and refuse to kill someone, so I’m going to have to go with Dmitri, because I could definitely lie about it and get away with it, since the guy definitely has enemies. And I guess that means I would fuck Ivan, which would be alright if I could get over the intellectualism.
Thanks for reading. I’ll let you know if my opinion changes after I read the last 600 pages of the book.
I've actually been wondering about your opinion on this for awhile so thanks. Personally my opinion changed around page 544 but I won't spoil it for you.
If I’m understanding this correctly, the plot of the book is that there are two very boring brothers and one sexy and interesting brother, who you’ve decided is the one you would kill if given the chance. Great stuff! Looking forward to reading more.